I f you take care of an elderly person or oversee such care by others, you belong to an enormous group -- and you may not be getting all the help that's available.

People providing elder care often struggle alone because they think they're "supposed to know what to do." But how? Our society doesn't train us for this any better than for parenthood. Guilt kicks in, too -- big time.

Once caregiving starts, no one expects it to last indefinitely. Yet modern medicine has greatly extended longevity. Many formerly deadly diseases have become "merely" chronic. Vital: Plan for the long haul and take advantage of the many resources available.

KEY TO PEACE OF MIND

Assuming the full burden of elder care can lead to physical problems -- stomachaches, backaches, headaches -- as well as emotional ones. Examples...

One caregiver was so over-involved in caring for her mother that she ignored signs of her own cancer -- and died first.

An overwhelmed caregiver for two parents experienced insomnia and drank too much. Results: Her work suffered... and a romantic relationship collapsed.

Crucial: Learn the difference between involvement and entrenchment. Take care of yourself as well as the elderly person.

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP

Organizations focused on particular illnesses can be superb resources for all manner of services and information.

Examples: American Cancer Society (800-227-2345, www.cancer.org)... Alzheimer's Association (800-272-3900, www.alz.org)... American Heart Association (800-242-8721, www.americanheart.org).

When contacting such organizations, ask if they can provide the name of a community resource specialist (whose services may be free, at a set fee or on a sliding scale) who will make a home visit and/or if they can sign you up for a caregiver support group.

These support groups are vital for sharing general information and tips... learning about well-qualified local doctors and lawyers... and providing emotional backup.

Find a geriatrician -- a physician who specializes in the elderly -- to supervise medical care. Older people metabolize drugs differently than younger ones. Doctors with special training in treating the elderly are best informed about appropriate regimens.

To find a geriatrician or other elder-care professionals or services: Contact the National Association of Area Agencies on Aging (202-872-0888, www.n4a.org) part of a federal organization dedicated to the needs of the elderly. Identify local resources through Eldercare Locator, a public service of the US Administration on Aging (800-677-1116, www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare/Public/Home.asp).

SEEK HELP FROM OTHERS

Family, friends and neighbors of the person you are caring for may be able to pitch in. Even on a small scale, that can make a big difference to a caregiver. Be creative and assertive in enlisting their contributions.

Saying that you "need help with Mother" is like saying "Give me money for poor people" -- and is as likely to get a good response. Better: Be specific.

Examples: Try asking relatives or neighbors to stop in on certain days each week -- "Could you look in on Dad every Wednesday evening and Saturday morning?" To save time, ask, "When you shop for groceries, could you add these items for Mom?" Ask your sister to make phone calls to social service agencies to request services for your mother. Provide a list of phone numbers and state exactly what you need to know.

HIRE A HOME HEALTH AIDE

Consider hiring a home health aide to cook, do laundry and light housekeeping, take the elderly person for walks, make conversation and call you in an emergency. Unless an aide has been recommended by someone you trust, we recommend going through an agency.

For an elderly person with a medical condition, look for a health aide who has cared for someone with that problem before. Tell the agency, "I want an aide who can follow directions well and communicate with my Dad." What it costs: Prices vary nationwide, from about $14 to $25 per hour for an agency-provided aide, and $10 to $17 an hour for a self-employed aide. Insurance reimbursement varies, but social agencies can help you figure it out.

Since interviews take up time when aides could be working, it's standard to pay them to come for an extended personal interview. Ask the aide how he/she transfers an older person from a bed to a chair... what foods he can prepare.

An adept professional won't take offense. Ask, "What's the worst thing that happened when you were caring for a person with dementia? How did you handle it?" Observe how the aide lifts your Mother off the couch... brings and removes a walker. Monitor your loved one's responses.

Interview several aides. Select the best two... then, if possible, let the person you're caring for choose.

Before the aide's first day, fill a binder with doctors' contact information... the elderly person's schedule, favorite foods, activities, daycare address and phone number, medications and dosage... local taxi... and two people besides you to call in an emergency.

Exit strategy: If you're dissatisfied at any time, feel free to find another aide and tell the first, "This isn't working."

THE NUMBERS ARE GROWING

As the nation becomes increasingly aware of elder caregivers' need for help, more resources are available than ever before. Watch for even more to be offered in the near future.