W e all have our stuff -- our cars, our homes filled with electronics, our fancy brand clothes, our pricey sports gear... and on... and on. Having stuff is fun -- for most people certainly a lot more fun than not having stuff. But with so much attention paid to accumulating it, the pursuit begins at times to feel more like an obsession. Watching my children's friends talk about what is the "right" and "wrong" stuff and seeing the increased media attention on these so-called status symbols, I wondered when this need to gather stuff ceases being fun and starts intruding on what really makes for a good life. Life coach Lauren Zander (www.handelgroup.com) was able to put it in perspective for me.
Lauren acknowledges immediately that she supports wanting, pursuing and having stuff. People dream about the house at the beach and the comfort that comes from making plenty of money, and there is not a thing wrong with going for such dreams, she says. People should have their dreams and create for themselves everything they want in life. For some, becoming financially well-off can be a measure to show themselves they have achieved professional success. Of course that feels good.
But sometimes the noble pursuit of dreams becomes tarnished.
IT'S ALL ABOUT BALANCE
It is all about balance, says Lauren. People are meant to be in charge of what they own. When material well-being is the reward for work they enjoy and do well, then there is balance between effort and reward. The stuff accumulated represents their love of life and fulfillment of self and the equation creates a lovely balance. But when the need for stuff in order to keep up with the neighbors or put on a display of prestige becomes the power driving the engine, balance no longer exists -- the need has taken over and is now in charge. As a prime example, Lauren points to the often-seen problem of "golden handcuffs." People in high-paying, demanding professions build elaborate lifestyles their friends envy, but the price they pay is steep. They work constantly to maintain their expensive lifestyle and, in the process give up time with the family... are absent for their children's events... don't sleep enough... don't exercise enough... eat poorly and deep inside are not really happy.
THE REASON IS THE REASON
Many, if not most, people who are shackled by golden handcuffs perceive themselves as the victim in the situation. "They will tell you they have no choice," says Lauren, "and it is in the name of 'doing right' for their family, their community, their children, etc. that they are sacrificing their own life." Practically speaking, there is a level of truth to this -- people do have to pay the mortgage and they do have to provide for their families. It is important for everyone, even someone with a less-demanding or less-prestigious job, to have a plan for what he/she wants to achieve -- including a sound financial position. But being a so-called victim is a ruse of sorts, a way to hide from taking a greater responsibility and laying claim to one's own life. The victims say they can't possibly consider change and so they refuse even to look for what might bring them true happiness and satisfaction, and they sabotage any chance they had for finding it. This is what Lauren calls, "a crime against themselves and the fulfillment of their life." When a high-income earner feels he/she is working just to keep up with his/her stuff, or does not love what he does but needs to stay doing it because of the financial reality of money, he has crossed the line.
THE COMPULSION TO SHOW OFF
Often there is yet another and even more complex reason why materialism takes over a person's life. This is the compulsion to show off. Again, some showing off isn't necessarily harmful. For people who have reached high and worked hard to get there and earn the money for all those goodies, the display of achievement can be deeply satisfying. But along with those who are simply displaying their pride of success, others are driven to show off as a way of proving something to the world in almost a vendetta-like fashion, says Lauren. It might be their mother, their spouse, colleagues, or even the kids from high school long ago to whom they still want to prove their worth. This need to prove themselves to the world subverts the satisfaction they could otherwise get from honest achievement. Instead they are basing their value on the response of the audience they want to impress, rather than basing their value on what's inside. These are people who never arrive at having enough... their toys quickly lose their luster and so they want others -- newer, shinier more expensive ones -- to show off once again to reaffirm their personal worth. While displaying an ample bank account or shiny toys may seem an effective way to keep track of their worth, such showing off is a hollow demonstration of a person's true value as a human being.
THE FIX
We all have concerns about how we are doing compared with the other guy (friend, co-worker, sister, brother...) -- we are all in the middle of this game, says Lauren. Consequently, it is beneficial for everyone to pose a few personal questions. These will help clear the air around materialism and the need for stuff. First, she says, explore what you really need to be happy. Many people find that when they get to the financial or materials rewards they're really not satisfied with them. They feel good for the moment, but shortly after they're on to the next acquisition, discovering that there is no such thing as enough. To avoid that trap you need to make a conscious decision about what will be enough for you -- that way, should you start to go over the line and begin sacrificing your life to get there, you will recognize you have crossed it. You need to have a long-term plan for what you believe you need as an individual. When everything fits comfortably into that plan, the car you drive, the amount you donate to charity, etc., will feel healthy.
Next, give careful thought to your audience. Who are the people from whom you seek acceptance and admiration? What is driving your choice? Face the fact that you may be trying to impress. Having the need to prove something comes from lack, says Lauren. Maybe you are the son who wasn't quite good enough in your mother's eyes, the husband who buys an expensive home, cars and country club membership so that your wife won't notice you are never there. By identifying your audience, you can target and examine what you feel is missing in you, where the fundamental sense of not being good enough came from and why it exists. Facing these issues and choosing to resolve them takes some time and effort, but is worth exploring.
Life offers the interesting option at any moment to take a risk and be willing to change... to revise the way you think so that you can try a new approach, says Lauren. After you have contemplated the questions concerning your "stuff" and what it means to you, she advises taking some risks. Walk away from your current attachment to materialism and try out new, deeper personal values that would direct your money in new ways or even change your career path. Maybe you'll decide to give up the Porsche and buy a Jetta. Or maybe not. What matters is not how much you have or what it is -- what matters is that you have freed your honest self to determine who you are, what you do and what your stuff means to you.
