W e've all heard the saying, "There are two sides to every conflict." But there is also a third side -- the larger community in which a conflict takes place. Tapping the power of the third side can help us resolve disagreements more constructively -- and maybe even prevent them.

The third side in a dispute between two people might include their circle of friends, extended family, neighbors or coworkers. Members of these communities who are not directly involved in the dispute can serve as mediators... help heal broken relationships... and teach skills that keep disagreements from escalating.

Individuals can learn to adopt the third side in their own disputes. They do this by taking on various roles involved in preventing, resolving and containing conflict.

PREVENTING CONFLICT

Preventive roles deal with the underlying tensions that give rise to conflict. This lays the foundation for cooperation.

Provider -- helps people feel secure that their basic needs, such as love, respect, health and freedom, are not in danger. When people feel their basic needs are threatened, they become defensive or aggressive.

Example: When parents give their children individual attention, siblings may squabble but rivalries don't get out of hand.

Teacher -- helps people see constructive ways to deal with differences, rather than fighting. Teachers suggest alternative approaches, such as listening, taking a different perspective and solving problems together. You can learn such skills by reading books or taking workshops on communication and negotiation that have been recommended by others.

Bridge builder -- cultivates the relationships needed for trust and cooperation to thrive. When there's a disagreement and no preexisting relationship, people tend to attribute the worst intentions to the other side. When goodwill has been established, people are more likely to give each other the benefit of the doubt. Negotiations go more smoothly.

Example: A couple invited everyone on the block over for a potluck supper. By getting to know their neighbors in a low-key way, they built goodwill that made it easier to deal with misunderstandings. When someone's dog later ran into a neighbor's yard, the issue was settled with a friendly phone call.

RESOLVING CONFLICT

Not every conflict is preventable. But disagreements can be channeled to lead to positive change.

Mediator -- helps both sides seek a mutually satisfactory agreement together. Key tasks include letting both sides speak, probing for the needs behind each person's position and brainstorming solutions.

Helpful questions: What if we could both have what we want? What might that solution look like?

Example: A couple argued about where to go on vacation. The husband was set on the Caribbean. The wife wanted to go skiing in the Rockies. He wanted to relax... she was full of pent-up energy and wanted to burn it off with physical exercise. They brainstormed ways they could both get what they needed -- such as an island destination where she could go kayaking or a ski resort with an extensive spa.

Arbiter -- makes decisions based on fairness. One way to arbitrate a dispute is to call in a neutral third person to act as the decision maker... or to arbitrate your own dispute by saying, Let's take on the role of judges for this case. What are the objective criteria for a fair decision?

Example: A valued employee threatened to quit if she didn't get a raise. Her manager reviewed with her the company policies governing raises... and pointed out the areas in which the employee had not met the criteria. They agreed to meet weekly for the following three months to discuss her progress, with the understanding that once she was eligible, her manager would recommend a raise immediately.

Equalizer -- recognizes that there is usually a difference in power between the two parties and acts to balance that difference.

Example: Two brothers, ages five and seven, shared a bedroom. When the older brother announced he was moving into his own room, the five-year-old was terrified of being alone in the dark. He agreed to give his brother his weekly allowance to get the older boy to stay. When their parents found out, they stopped the deal and pointed out that it was based on a disparity of power. They told the older brother that he must decide where to sleep by weighing his need for independence with his concern for the younger boy -- and without bribery. He decided to stay in the shared room for one more year.

Healer -- helps mend the relationship once the dispute has been resolved. Without healing, it is too easy for the agreement to break down. The simplest way to rebuild the relationship is to offer a sincere apology. Acknowledging your part in a dispute goes a long way toward restoring trust.

CONTAINING CONFLICT

When a disagreement escalates, the immediate goal is to defuse it.

Witness -- is alert to signs of escalation and sounds the alarm.

Example: A couple's argument became so heated that they started yelling at each other. One of them pointed out that they were raising their voices. They agreed to stop the discussion until they had cooled down.

Referee -- sets ground rules to keep the fight fair.

Useful: Don't interrupt... don't bring up old grievances... don't be insulting... focus on one issue at a time.

Peacekeeper. Sometimes tempers are so hot that all you can do is ask someone to step in and break up the fight. Parents play this role when they separate quarreling children. At work, the peacekeeper might be a supervisor or other authority figure. Between spouses, the role might be played by a marriage counselor -- or by a relative who is willing to say, Stop this conversation right now.

STAY FLEXIBLE

Though the ideal is to prevent conflict, the roles of preventer, resolver and container can be adopted in any order.

In the midst of a bitter fight, start with containment.

Once things cool down, move to resolution.

When an agreement has been made, take steps to prevent future problems.