W e get married hoping it’s forever, but things don’t always work out that way. More than half of the couples who wed today will split within 10 years.

Divorce -- or a bitter, hostile marriage -- represents more than just personal misfortune. The psychological stress it causes can trigger serious health problems.

To protect your health and happiness, you must know the warning signs of marital discord... and take steps to nourish your relationship.

MARRIAGE AND HEALTH

It’s well known that married men live longer than unmarried men. For women, marital satisfaction has clearly been linked to good health.

Recent research has shown that couples who express fondness and admiration for each other have unusually strong immune systems. Their disease-fighting lymphocytes respond with extra vigor... and their cancer-fighting natural killer cells are more active.

Marital conflict suppresses immunity. Wives whose husbands express contempt toward them suffer more colds and infectious illnesses. And husbands faced with marital strife are prone to heart disease. Men’s heart rate and blood pressure soar as domestic hostilities rise.

FIGHTING ISN’T THE PROBLEM

Researchers have found three types of successful couples -- those who discuss their differences and willingly make compromises... those who avoid conflict at all costs... and those who go at each other like cats and dogs.

What do these seemingly different couples have in common? All behave in such a way as to cultivate a “balanced marital ecology.” In other words, the positive interactions within each relationship outnumber the negative interactions.

In fact, it’s now clear that successful marriages are those where the ratio of positive to negative interactions is five to one. That is, there are five times as many expressions of affection, humor, etc., as there are sneers, frowns and critical words.

Pleasant interactions -- sharing your reactions companionably when you read the Sunday paper, showing interest in each other’s daily activities, etc. -- are deposits in your relationship’s “emotional bank account.” You can draw from this account when things aren’t going well.

Certain kinds of negativity are especially noxious. When they appear regularly, the marriage is in trouble...

Criticism. There’s nothing wrong with complaining about things that bother you. Honest expressions of anger and disagreement strengthen your marriage.

But attacking your spouse’s character, rather than his/her specific behavior, is another story. Such criticism sends a destructive message of blame.

Telling your spouse, “We don’t go out as much as I’d like to,” is a fair complaint. But saying, “You’re always so inconsiderate,” is unfair.

Contempt involves inflicting insult and emotional abuse on your partner, with name-calling, hostile humor and sneers. These behaviors convey the message that he/she is stupid, disgusting, a fool.

Defensiveness is the natural response to contempt. Refusing to accept responsibility closes the door on constructive dialogue and problem solving.

One spouse might say, “You said you were going to fill up the gas tank, and you didn’t.”

The other might respond defensively, “Yes, but that’s because I had to get home in time to make dinner for your parents.”

Stonewalling takes marriage from poor communication to none. One partner simply stops reacting to attacks and accusations. The other is reduced to screaming and frustration.

TAKING POSITIVE STEPS

The best antidote to negative interactions is mutual respect. Unless a marriage is utterly destroyed, the embers of admiration and fondness that first brought you together are still glowing somewhere. These exercises will help fan them into flame...

Make a list of positive adjectives -- kind, trustworthy, industrious, loving, supportive, etc. Choose five that are most characteristic of your partner. Share them with him/her. Ask that he/she do the same for you.

Recall together the most positive moments you’ve shared -- the happiest days, the funniest moments, the times you triumphed over challenges, etc.

Change the way you think about your partner when you’re apart. Every day, recall one thing your spouse did for which you are thankful.

Learn to stem flooding. That’s the runaway physiological arousal (rapid heartbeat, surging adrenaline, etc.) that comes with acute negativity and conflict.

Flooding makes it impossible to act rationally -- much less solve problems. People who experience flooding regularly in their domestic life start arranging their schedules to avoid one another. They drift apart.

Remedy: “Program” yourself to associate your partner’s presence and voice with relaxation.

Talk quietly to each other while listening to soothing music. Have your spouse massage your hands or stroke your hair as the two of you talk calmly. Then switch roles.

Call a “time-out” if a fight becomes intense. Go your separate ways for 20 minutes to give the adrenaline in your system time to dissipate.

During your time apart, do not rehearse the vengeful comments you will make when your discussion resumes. Think calming thoughts -- “I’m upset now, but I love him/her. Things are bad right now, but this is basically a good marriage.”

Soften disagreements by eliminating blame and defensiveness. Put your complaints in a positive context to cushion their impact.

Example I: “You’re terrific, but I’d like to talk about ____.”

Example II: “I appreciate all you do to keep our finances in order, but I’d like to discuss ____.”

Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Imagine his/her emotional state. Let him/her know you understand the feelings -- even if you don’t share them.

Schedule discussions. Set aside specific times to discuss difficult subjects.

Scheduling may seem artificial, but it makes negotiations more businesslike and prevents endless stewing.

Agree to concentrate on one issue, and set a time limit (20 to 30 minutes). After you’re done, have a nice dinner or see a movie.

Get help if you need it. The average couple in a failing marriage waits six years before seeking couples therapy -- six long years of fruitless fighting and growing estrangement.

You wouldn’t wait that long to see a doctor for a health problem -- and remember, a troubled marriage is a health problem.

Helpful resource: American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, 202-452-0109. www.aamft.org