A marriage can need therapy at any point, but the empty-nest years can be among the most stressful. Partners who have been distracted for years by breadwinning and child care usually need to readjust their relationship to accommodate their individual changing priorities.
DOES YOUR MARRIAGE NEED THERAPY?
Therapy may be warranted when there is unresolved conflict in the relationship. Symptoms...
The two of you can’t make peace on your own.
The same old issues keep coming up.
A decrease is clear in trust, intimacy or connection between the two of you.
Hostility is building... or at a high point.
You are increasingly dissatisfied with the marriage.
The ways in which you used to solve things don’t work anymore.
TO FIND A THERAPIST WHO IS RIGHT FOR BOTH OF YOU
Be aware that not all therapists are marriage therapists. Best -- those specifically trained in treating couples. Get a referral from friends, your doctor or your lawyer.
Also try the Web site of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, www.aamft.org.
Go deeper. Determine whether the therapist is experienced in your particular issues. Does this therapist specialize in sex? Abuse? Midlife transitions? Has he/she dealt extensively with your specific problem before?
Ask at the first meeting about the therapist’s clinical approach. Some therapists will want to explore each partner’s personal background. Others will quickly focus on the current problem. Decide what you want to talk about and how fast you want to go.
Does the approach intuitively make sense to you? Do you both agree? Feeling secure is vital to success.
Make sure that both you and your partner are comfortable talking and working with this therapist.
WHAT TO EXPECT IN THERAPY
The right therapist will...
Establish an atmosphere of trust and openness. You will feel that he encourages your participation, is objective and is actually helping to resolve your problems.
Help couples pinpoint troublesome patterns and problems, and design solutions and set goals for them to work toward.
Facilitate and moderate the discussion. He will control it when it needs to be controlled. Other times, conflict is allowed to run high. In-session, you may spend time exploring conflicts and practicing communication and conflict-resolution methods.
Review the progress of therapy -- and end it in a timely and meaningful way. He will participate in the decision of when it’s time to stop... and prepare you to go it alone.
STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS
Marriage therapy works best when you are an active consumer in terms of finding the right fit... you do the assigned “homework” and the therapist follows up on it... and you feel you are using your time well, even when the work is painful.
Marriage-therapy timetable: In four to six weeks, you may see some shifts in your relationship, usually positive. Short-term therapy usually takes about six months before the couple begins to feel the therapy itself is becoming obsolete and they are learning to work out their own problems.
Therapy is likely to be ineffective...
If you feel you are hashing out the same issues again and again.
When you don’t know where the therapist is headed with a line of thought.
When the therapist does not help resolve issues or follow up on assignments.
When the therapist seems not to be listening or caring... or spends too much time trying to pin down the problem.
