P atients have lots of respect for their primary-care physicians -- but also lots of complaints. Too often patients are...

... made to wait and wait in crowded waiting rooms -- only to be hurried through an exam.

... asked to detail their symptoms -- only to be interrupted before finishing.

... subjected to rudeness or condescension from the doctor and his/her staff.

What’s going on? Doctors are sworn to help all their patients. But like the rest of us, doctors are only human. Patients whom they truly like and get along with tend to enjoy better care.

Like friendships or good business associations, doctor-patient relationships don’t always run smoothly.

But if you treat your doctor with respect, communicate your needs clearly and take responsibility instead of casting blame, you’ll get the best medical care your doctor is capable of giving.

THE RIGHT CLOTHES

Wearing appropriate attire to your appointments is an easy way of showing respect to your doctor. Dressing up isn’t really necessary. But you should try to look clean and well-groomed.

SHOWING APPRECIATION

The managed-care revolution has chipped away at doctors’ power and autonomy. As a result, many doctors feel beleaguered. They welcome expressions of appreciation.

Lesson: If you’re pleased with how your doctor has helped you, let him know. You might say, “That was such a thorough examination.”

Letting your doctor know you appreciate his efforts makes him feel better. More important, it lets him know in a positive way that you expect him to provide first-rate medical care.

If there’s something for which you feel particularly grateful -- your doctor’s care in a crisis or during a long illness, for example -- send a note. Referrals, of course, are the sincerest expression of appreciation. Your doctor will feel deeply gratified if new patients come at your suggestion.

RUSHED EXAMS

Patient exams used to last up to 45 minutes. Now some physicians are scheduling patient appointments only seven to 10 minutes apart.

It’s hard to get much done in seven minutes. But things will go much more smoothly if the patient knows how to communicate effectively.

Crucial: Knowing in advance exactly what you want to tell the doctor -- and what you expect to get from your visit.

You might say, “I’ve had this cough for four weeks. I worry that it might be bronchitis. What do you think?”

If the doctor fails to address all your concerns, schedule another appointment. “I know you’re in a hurry,” you might say, “but we didn’t get a chance to discuss all my concerns. Can we schedule another appointment?”

EMOTIONAL ALOOFNESS

Patients like to feel as if they have an emotional bond with their doctors. Unfortunately, most doctors were trained to avoid expressions of feeling.

When faced with patients who seem overly emotional, doctors often compensate by becoming even more fact-oriented. This makes them seem even more remote and uncaring.

You cannot transform a doctor’s personality or undo years of training. But your doctor may seem less aloof if you eschew overly emotional language when discussing your concerns.

Overly emotional: “The pain felt like a knife in my chest. I thought I was going to die.”

Objective: “It was a sharp pain in the center of my chest. It was the worst pain I’ve ever had.”

LACK OF RESPECT

Many doctors instinctively call patients by their first names. If you would rather keep things formal, say so. Be assertive, but not rude.

Sample script: “This may seem stuffy to you, but I prefer to be called by my last name.”

POOR COMMUNICATION

Have you ever left your doctor’s office unsure of your diagnosis or the proposed treatment?

That’s not surprising. Some doctors use medical jargon instead of plain English.

If your doctor fails to make things clear to you, tell him. Instead of blaming him, however, assume some responsibility for the poor communication.

Sample script: “I’m afraid you overestimate my comprehension of medical terminology. I still don’t understand why taking an aspirin would be bad for me.”

If you want a more detailed explanation than the doctor can give in a short visit, ask to talk with a nurse or physician’s assistant. Or -- ask the doctor to recommend some reading material.

MISSED APPOINTMENTS

Although your doctor is ultimately responsible for the way his office is managed, it’s generally not a good idea to attack him for making you wait. That only makes him defensive.

Instead: Speak as if both of you are victims of a bad system. The idea is to make your doctor feel that he is on your side -- and vice versa.

Also helpful: A solution-oriented approach. Don’t say, “You are always late, and I can’t stand it.” Say, “When is the best time for my next appointment so that I won’t have to wait so long?”

WHEN TO SAY GOOD-BYE

Patients often expect doctors to anticipate their needs... then feel resentful if the doctors fail to do so. It may take some courage to tell your doctor exactly what you want. If you do, however, the average doctor will oblige you.

If you are distressed because the doctor fails to take your complaints seriously, tell him. If he does not respond, it’s time to find a new doctor.