O ur personal safety depends not only on how well we protect ourselves from physical harm, but also on how we shelter ourselves from assaults on our emotions and well-being.

In my years as a psychiatrist, I have found that the loss of control that we feel during harsh emotional encounters -- with strangers, coworkers, friends or family -- can be as traumatic and long-lasting as physical attacks.

Equally damaging is what I call an inner mugging, in which you are sabotaged by your own negative thoughts and feelings.

EMOTIONAL UNCERTAINTY

Our emotions function as a warning system, alerting us to threats and spurring us to take defensive action.

But unless strong emotions -- fear, anger and hurt -- are rationally assessed and redirected when necessary, they can dominate behavior. That curtails our confidence and effectiveness.

By developing emotional management skills, you will be better able to express your needs and expectations to yourself and others. You will be well-equipped to take the risks necessary to grow, thrive and learn from your mistakes.

When our strong emotions are left to dominate and rule our behavior, we live "disconnected" by fear from everyday life, feeling like victims even when no real threat exists.

When feelings of fear or hostility are persistent, there is also the danger that they will contribute to heart disease and high blood pressure... and compromise our immune systems.

SHIELDING YOURSELF FROM HOSTILITY

The key to regaining control over strong emotions is a series of mental/emotional shifts. You must consciously develop a strong inner reserve of calm, confidence and mental-shielding from hostility.

By creating an inner core of safety, you will no longer need to raise your hand or voice in an effort to deter or defuse perceived attacks on your emotions.

Cultivate a state of calm alertness. Tension predisposes you to break under stress. However, alertness -- the optimal, activated, tension-free state of the brain -- enables you to observe an adversary and situation calmly and to choose your response rationally. Exercises to cultivate a state of calm alertness...

Think of your brain's sensory perceptions as an invisible energy field surrounding you like a large sphere. Strong emotions sap this clear "energy balloon," while calm alertness expands it. Mentally "inflating" the sphere to its optimum size calms you and increases your self-confidence.

Imagine a point of light a few feet from your chest. Enlarge it into a thin wall of bright, warm light, then into a clear, glowing shield that surrounds and protects you, deflecting critical or hostile remarks while letting in friendly words and kind gestures.

Create an inner-safety anchor that instantly connects you with a deep inner "safe space."

Example: Sit quietly, and breathe deeply until you feel completely calm. Vividly picture a real-life experience that made you feel safe. Or imagine a strong sense of safety.

When the picture is clear, come up with a "sensory signal," such as pressing your thumb and index finger together. If you repeat the exercise frequently, you will be able to elicit the feeling of safety every time you use your anchor touch.

Maintain calm energy. To prevent fatigue and tension from depleting your energy, routinely activate your brain's "alertness switches." These are dramatic changes in your activity that will automatically cause you to become more aware of your surroundings and other people.

Alertness switch #1: A two- to five-minute break from work at midmorning and midafternoon. Working nonstop decreases your awareness.

Alertness switch #2: Periodic physical activity: Even a few minutes of muscular movement every hour, such as push-ups in your office, increase energy and alertness.

You may also consider trying regular meditation. Two 20-minute sessions a day during which you sit quietly and breathe deeply foster mental and emotional composure.

Choose your battles. Confrontations are emotionally draining and wear you down. They also rob you of the energy that you could have used more productively. The key is to use your energy on meaningful confrontations while letting others go. Techniques to protect yourself from nonessential confrontations...

The fishhook. Think of all insults and criticisms as a series of fishhooks. Now see yourself as a fish in a stream. You have the choice of whether to bite or swim away.

"Anger-release" walk. As little as five minutes of brisk walking can alter your psychological state, especially when combined with a conscious shift in mental focus.

Control your conflicts. How you engage those who confront you will dictate the quality of your emotional safety. It is essential that you manage your responses from the first confrontational moment. Strategies for side stepping emotionally charged reactions...

Sustain your breathing. Most of us stop breathing for several seconds when stress rises, reducing oxygen flow to the brain and heightening anxiety. Consciously maintaining steady breathing promotes calm energy and clear thinking.

Key: Breathe deeply, and be sure to hold each breath for at least five seconds. You will feel more relaxed within one minute.

Be present in each experience. The effort of blocking out unsettling situations and how they make you feel can interfere with reasoning and objective decision making.

Helpful: Practice tuning in to your physical and emotional sensations while you are calm and relaxed. This exercise will help you condition yourself to remain present and mindful under stress.

It's also beneficial to limit impulsive reactions, which can escalate disagreements and delay the best responses. Remaining calm may dissolve tension without any further action. Helpful...

Identify your feelings and determine how best to guide your emotional energy. Remember, calm does not mean frozen or dispassionate.

Both withdrawal and pushing back can elevate hostility. Instead, surprise and disarm the conflict with two or more de-escalating phrases and/or two or more unexpected actions.

Examples: De-escalating phrases such as "I understand," "Please explain" and "You seem upset" extend empathy. This understanding and acknowledgment allows a hostile person to save face, which can help defuse anger.

Important: While using your de-escalating phrases, keep your voice steady and at its lowest pitch but in a slightly louder-than-conversational volume. Maintain a level, rather than a questioning, intonation.

Protective actions to defuse hostility might include taking a step away... folding your arms in front of you as a symbolic shield... or combining emphatic words and actions with a turn to the side to preserve your personal space.

Practicing these principles can change the quality of your energy, allowing you to avoid hostility and keeping you safe from real or perceived challenges to your emotional safety.