I f your marriage is approaching the burnout stage, you can still do something about it -- if you act soon enough.

Here are the warning signs of a troubled marriage -- and how to reverse negative patterns and restore the love you once felt toward one another.

WARNING SIGNS

Chronic resentment. When unhappy couples argue, they make up on the surface, but angry feelings linger.

Lack of humor. Happy couples laugh a lot. They're able to see the ridiculousness in tense situations and defuse them. Unhappy couples reserve laughter for everyone but their mates.

Significant change in the way you interact. For one unhappy couple, a sign of impending burnout might be that they're arguing more often -- or more angrily -- than normal.

For another couple, the fact that they never argue when they used to discuss everything intensely might be a sign of marriage burnout.

Cynicism. In a healthy marriage, spouses give one another the benefit of the doubt.

Examples: If one person comes home late without calling first, the other might think, Traffic must have been terrible. In a burned-out marriage, when one spouse brings the other flowers, the person receiving them will likely suspect the other of feeling guilty about something.

STOPPING MARRIAGE BURNOUT

Make the relationship a priority. It's easy to let marriage take a back seat to work, kids, hobbies or community obligations. Couples grow comfortable in marriage and automatically assume a spouse will always be there. Many busy people nurture their marriages only after they take care of everything else. That is a mistake.

Allotting prime time for your marriage must not be an afterthought. Pencil appointments into your date book if that's what it takes to meet your spouse for lunch or dinner during the week.

Don't hide your feelings. For some couples, keeping anger to themselves or resorting to snide comments seems less threatening than coming right out and clearly saying what is bothering them.

Partners aren't mind readers -- and disappointment is inevitable if feelings aren't discussed openly.

However, it is also essential to choose your battles and to avoid making issues out of every irritant.

Share positive experiences. When spouses drift apart, it may seem impossible to come up with things they will enjoy doing together.

Exercise: Think back to a time when you both felt more passion, energy and involvement. Ask yourself what you enjoyed doing together in those days. Start by doing some of those things again. Don't feel you have to make a big production out of the event. In fact, an expensive vacation to Paris to relive good times is probably less productive over the long run than rediscovering simple, everyday pleasures.

Examples: A couple I know took walks after dinner. Another hired a sitter and just went for drives together. Getting out of the house helped them relate to one another like adults in love rather than parents struggling to control their children.

Don't get discouraged if your spouse doesn't immediately get excited about the idea. He/she may not believe you are sincere -- or may not want to snap out of a funk right away. Expect some resistance, but persist in a calm, friendly way.

Or simply surprise your spouse with theater or sports tickets for a weekend when you both are available. Once you're out together, both your personalities will change.

Behave as if positive change has already occurred. Many couples try to put their relationships back on track, only to have the efforts derailed shortly afterward. A major reason for such false starts is that the person who initiates the change feels rejected and becomes even angrier.

Repairing a frayed marriage has a better chance of success if the person who makes the first move behaves as if the change has already taken place -- no matter how his spouse responds.

This strategy is easier than you might think. I suggest to couples that they simply start doing the things they would do if the other person had already made the changes they are hoping for.

Example: One woman I know was upset because her husband was spending most of his free time with his friends and neglecting her and their child. I asked her, What did he do in the days when he was more attentive? She replied that he used to pay her more compliments, tell her he loved her and make a point of spending time with her.

Then I asked, How were you different when he was like that? She remembered all the things she used to do for her husband that she had stopped doing as her resentment grew. They included waking up early so they could have breakfast together, dropping love notes in his lunch and initiating sex.

I asked her to try to act from that day on as if he were that same old nice guy and to do all the pampering things she used to do for him.

Within days, he had become more attentive…and over time, his attitude improved even more.

Don't keep score. If you expect every gesture of yours to be met with an equivalent gesture from your partner, you will put the relationship in a straitjacket.

There is never an excuse for dysfunctional behavior -- physical or emotional abuse. But the ability to get along with a partner is largely based on deciding to make it happen -- and renewing that decision daily.