I n an increasingly violent world, parents are understandably worried about their children’s safety. They wonder how to help their children recognize and avoid possible danger, without making them fearful or withdrawn.

Informing children, teaching them to have a healthy suspicion of strangers, is not the same thing as scaring them.

WHAT TO TELL YOUR CHILD

Introduce guidelines for dealing with strangers the same way you would teach your kids to look both ways before crossing the street, clearly and matter-of-factly. Make sure children understand that the majority of people aren’t dangerous, so they’ll see their world as safe and secure. Be sure you explain just what a "stranger" is. Don’t assume that they know.

Example: One way to say this: Most people are good, but there are a few people you’ve never met before who are bad and can hurt you. It’s important to protect yourself just in case. That way you’ll be safe.

Then go over the basics: Unless you are with a parent:

Never get in a car with a stranger.

Don’t agree to help a stranger, even if he/she seems upset or in trouble. Get a trusted grown-up to call for help instead.

Don’t answer the door unless you recognize the person’s voice.

If a stranger offers you candy, gifts, a ride, tries to touch you or makes you feel funny, tell a parent or trusted grown-up right away.

HOW TO TELL THEM

Allow plenty of time to talk to your child about these issues. Don’t wait until he/she is about to go out the door by himself. A child of five or six is able to understand these guidelines.

Avoid preaching. Your child will quickly get bored and stop listening.

Example: A friend told me about the first time her six-year-old son went someplace alone. Before he left the house, the mother launched into what she calls her Stranger Talk. Be very careful. Don’t talk to anyone you don’t know. If they offer you candy, don’t take it. If someone asks you a question, don’t answer. And if a stranger offers you a ride in a car, don’t get in.

Then she asked her son if he had any questions. Mommy, he said, somebody is going to give me candy?

Use "what ifs" to get information across. Turning the message into a kind of game keeps kids’ interest, and also helps them to develop good judgment and a wide range of effective responses. In addition to learning what not to do, children learn what they can do as well. Ask them the three basic problem-solving questions:

What would happen if...?

What can you do if...?

What else can you do...?

Example I: You say to your child, Pretend you’ve just walked into the boys’ bathroom at school. A man is in there and starts asking you questions. What would you do?

Use role-playing to emphasize points. Pretend to be the stranger while your child practices various responses. Some of the options you might discuss together:

Saying no thank you or stop that.

Saying I don’t know you and walking away.

Running away.

Telling a trusted grown-up.

Yelling for help.

Let the child come up with possibilities before you suggest them. If your child can’t think of any, prompt him with questions like, What do you think your choices might be? or, How would you feel if somebody you didn’t know started asking you questions?

Keep asking for feedback. Helping kids come up with a repertoire of responses is especially important since, unfortunately, not all dangerous people are strangers. Try asking, Does that make sense to you? Do you know anyone who had something like that happen to them? What might someone do that would give you an uncomfortable feeling?

POLITE VS. SAFE

It’s very important for parents to understand that children can, by nature, sense danger. If we talk them out of their instinctive feelings, they will no longer trust those feelings.

Example: A child brought up to be polite, obey grown-ups, and say yes when she means no will have a hard time turning down a stranger who says, Little girl, will you help me find my kitty?

Kids need to be encouraged to trust their instincts. Important guidelines:

If you have a funny feeling about someone, or if anything another person does feels uncomfortable to you, trust your feelings. It’s okay to say no and run away, even if it means being rude.

If somebody wants to kiss or touch you, even if it’s somebody you like, and you’re not sure you want them to, you don’t have to. If you have any doubts, please come and talk to me right away.

Always give kids a "for instance."

Example: When I was a little girl, I had an uncle who always wanted me to sit on his lap, and I didn’t like it. If anybody asks you to do anything like that, you can say no.

Encourage honesty by establishing a relationship of trust. Make sure your child understands that you want him to tell you if anyone does something that bothers or scares him. Reassure him that you won’t get angry. You’ll be very proud of him for confiding in you. Make it clear that if someone threatens him or wants him to keep a secret from you, or another family member, that person is not to be trusted.

Listen carefully to your child. He may try to talk to you but not have the right words to explain what’s happened. A child might say, That person was bothering me, yet the parent doesn’t pick up on it. Help your child to be specific. What did that person say or do that bothered you? Tell me more. I won’t be angry with you. I want to protect you.

Introduce the topic of safety by reading aloud from a book on the subject with your child. One book I like is Who Is a Stranger and What Should I Do? by Linda Girard (Concept Books). It’s geared for school-aged children and is clear, practical and not overly scary.